To the twelve son: education of responsibility
After returning from the Air Force 2013, my 12-year-old son often repeated: “Positive, constructive, responsible” ... True, when I asked what he put into the concepts of “constructive” and “responsibility”,…

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THE ROLE OF UNDERSTANDING IN THE FAMILY
These cases from my practice show that unregulated relationships between spouses cause problems in adolescents. Every teenager needs parents whose marriage is reliable, full of mutual respect and love. And…

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Children's tantrums: what to do with them?
Children sometimes throw tantrums: they fall to the floor, bang their hands and feet, destroy everything around. Where does this come from and what to do about it? It is…

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If a child tests your strength …

The most obedient children from time to time necessarily check whether parents can – do not obey? The main type of check is a test of the parents’ resistance to a child’s attack, when the child suddenly stops obeying and actively insists on his desires. A child throws to parents – a challenge! If here to show the child a weakness – the child understands that parents can be replayed. And begins to use it.

J. Dobson writes: “I somehow had to talk with the mother of a very naughty thirteen-year-old boy who was scornful of the slightest hint of parental authority. He did not return home before two in the morning and defiantly ignored any demands from his mother. Assuming that This problem didn’t arise today, I asked the woman to tell how it all began. She remembered it very clearly. Her son was not yet three years old when one day, laying him in bed, she got a spit in her face.

She explained to him how important it was not to spit in my mother’s face, but her speech was interrupted by another spit. This woman was convinced that all disagreements should be resolved through discussion, in the spirit of love and mutual understanding. So she wiped her face and began her speech again – and again received a well-aimed charge of saliva. Experiencing growing bewilderment, she shook her son, but not so much as to ward off another spit.

What could she do? Her philosophy did not offer her a worthy answer to this stunning challenge. Finally, she ran out of the room in despair, and the little winner’s spitting chase hit the slammed door. Mother lost the battle, and son won. The woman admitted to me with pain and irritation that since then she had never managed to prevail over her son! ”

Every child once decides to test their parents for strength.
If parents lost this battle, the child will fight with them all his life.
None of the parents want to engage in heavy battles with their own children, but, in fact, only those parents who have already “started” the situation, who This was missed by small challenges from the child. The first tests of the child are only tests, the child throws challenges to parents still uncertainly, and here it is easy for parents to show firmness. Do it!

Danila is 1 year old, usually parents are easy to obey. This time he climbed onto the sofa, reached out to the picture hanging on the wall, and looked at his mother. “Danila, come to me!” – does not go. I downloaded the picture and looked at my mother – what would be the reaction? “Danila, you can’t touch the picture. Come here, or I’ll punish you. ”- Continuing to look at my mother, I rocked the picture strongly again: what will happen? Mom calmly put Danila in a corner, he sobbed demonstratively for five minutes. Then he calmed down, his mother called, explained once again that the picture should not be touched. Although the point is not that Danila did not know this: this time he checked what would happen if his mother did not obey?

If the parents won the first battle with the child, then they will have a good relationship for many years.
On the other hand, sometimes anxious parents see a child’s challenge where he is not at all. When a child throws you “Mom, I hate you!” In your face, it may not mean anything and immediately “shoot” the child (How dare you! So that I don’t hear this anymore! ”) Here early. Most often, the child is simply angry with you don’t know how to express your feelings in a civilized way: here you need not to be angry with a child, but calmly teach how his problems are solved.

“I see that you are angry with me. It’s not scary, you can even stomp your feet if you want, so angry feelings come out faster. But you know the order: first you remove your toys, we watch TV only after that. Can you help me?”

In a fight with children, those parents lose who themselves, it seems, are completely children and are used to playing helplessness.

“My daughter, she is four years old, turns on the TV herself after I turned it off. So that I do not speak, she cries loudly at this time and shows with her air that she does not hear anything!” – dear mother, if you can’t cope with the child, at least cope with the TV: pull it out and take the power cord (or other part) out of your reach. And you do not need to say anything: you will start a conversation only after your daughter calms down and stops crying. This is the alphabet that any child from two to three years old knows (should already know): “While you cry, I don’t understand you. If you want to ask me for something, you need to stop crying and tell me everything calmly, so that I understand you. ”

Once upon a time, you can slap hard. Once. One time to spank tightly at the age of three to four years and after that fifteen years to be friends with an intelligent child quietly is better than pampering a child in childhood and cursing him all subsequent years. The authority of parents is strengthened when, in a situation where a child checks parental stability, parents show reasonable firmness.

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