I’m not cruel, I take care of your son
A woman, 47 years old, married, lives with her husband. The main earner in the family is her. 2 years ago I bought an apartment in a mortgage, a year ago they completed the repair. At the time of repair, the husband’s son was discharged from the 1st marriage from Tashkent, the guy is 30 years old. At the moment, the guy lives with them in a 2-room apartment.
The stepson has the citizenship of Uzbekistan and has a residence permit in Russia. There is currently no Russian passport. He works as a security guard, spends his salary solely on himself. It was assumed that after the completion of the repair he would rent a separate living space. The stepson does not want to move out, because he is comfortable. He explains the delay in leaving so that he does not earn much to rent an apartment, but to earn more, he needs to submit documents for issuing a Russian passport, but he cannot collect documents, because he is at work all the time. The guy is not very clean, not accustomed to the order. Familiar girls leads to the apartment. A woman doesn’t like all this and she wants the guy to live separately.
Started a conversation several times on this topic. The stepson began to whine that he earned little, and her husband blamed that she was cruel and drove his son from the house to the street. Conversations ended in nothing.
A woman turned to me for help on how to conduct this conversation in order to achieve a result. First, we decided to determine the format – a letter or a personal conversation. A woman is not shy to say everything as it is, what she thinks, that is, it is not difficult for her to express her feelings and thoughts. She also said that the letter will not work on her husband and stepson – they will consider her position soft, and she is set for a tough position. Therefore, we settled on the format of the conversation. They also worked with her all the stepson’s well-known arguments – why he cannot move out – and developed counterarguments.
Since the conversation is fluid, like water, and the topic can be taken in a different direction, we developed the outline of the conversation, a scheme for speaking out theses and arguments. Namely, these are:
praise, listing the positive qualities of a person,
thesis instruction, justification (positive justification for the interlocutor, taking into account his interests),
the confidence that he will cope with everything, he is so well done, and how he will feel good after following the instructions.
All arguments for moving should be justified from the 2nd position of perception, that is, as if looking at the situation through the eyes of the interlocutor (in the case of a conversation with the stepson – with his eyes, and in the case of talking with the husband – the benefits for the husband) and speaks the pros. Suggestions should periodically be woven into the conversation: “Dima must become independent and live separately. This is all for his benefit. ”
At the consultation, it was decided to first have a conversation with her husband in order to attract him to her side. And then already talk with the stepson, having in the allies of the husband, his father.
Wrote a sample text of a conversation with her husband
Darling, I love and appreciate you very much. I am very glad that a real man like you is with me. I really like your fatherly qualities. You are a wonderful father. Dima is 30 years old, he is an adult, he must have a personal life. In order for his personal life to develop, it must be arranged on a separate living space. Are you saying it’s expensive to rent an apartment? And what do you think, maybe it will be a great motive to find a better job? You say he has no documents? He will just deal with the documents, since there will be a need to find a better job. Look, he has been living for a year, and during this time he can not begin to deal with documents. How do you think why? Because he is busy all the time, first by repair, then by job search, and then by the work itself. And he all the time, from 8 am to 10 pm, could not find 3-4 hours in any way to deal with documents? Do you believe that yourself? I believe more that Dima just does not want to deal with documents. He lives with us, does not deal with household chores, spends all s / n on himself. And she asks you for an expensive gift for a girl (such a fact really was). How old is your son? Maybe it’s time to take up the mind? Yes, I agree with you that Dima needs to be educated, and when do you plan to start doing this? When will he be 40? Or 45? Maybe now is the right time? I am sure that Dima will cope with the beginning of an independent life now, and not at 40 or at 45.
Do you think that I am driving him out into the street, and with this approach I can be left alone in old age? Dear, dear and beloved husband, if you decide to leave me because of my desire for your child to become independent and the desire to live his life in his own apartment – this will be your decision and your responsibility. If you think it is necessary, then it will be more correct for you. This is up to you.
You say it will be expensive? For the first six months, I will help Dima with the money for rent. Ready to add 50% of the price of the apartment. Six months is a sufficient period to draw up the necessary documents for obtaining a passport and to find a higher-paying job. It seems to me that in this situation Dima will even win – he will receive documents and work with a larger salary.