Since my friend is doing better, I will not!
One day, my son (8 years old) returned from swimming training in a gloomy mood. I began to ask questions and found out that the whole thing was in a friend. A friend achieved some outstanding results during training. The coach praised a friend. My son in that training was not even able to get close to the success of a friend. This was a real blow to his son.
As a result, the child made the following conclusion: I won’t go swimming anymore. It’s unpleasant to listen to the coach praising someone, and not you. A friend in everything is better than me, oh why so. How miserable I am, etc.
I confess that I reacted incorrectly at first. I got hooked on the topic of envy. I began to convince my son that “your friend is not better in everything,” that you will succeed too. The son listened to it all with a displeased, sad face. Towards the end of the conversation, it seems, he softened a little, but I myself no longer liked where we taxied. “But he does not know how! And I can. And he doesn’t succeed here. And I succeed, ”- somehow it all sounded disgusting. And the problem did not solve: the next day the son began to whine again that he did not want to go to the pool anymore.
Fortunately, I had the opportunity to ask Nikolai Ivanovich what he thinks on this subject. What was voiced by Nikolai Ivanovich worked 100%. So what should be done in such situations:
1) Set aside the topic of envy altogether, because it is empty.
2) Speak to the child two rules: firstly, in our family, adults decide whether it is time for the child to give up or not, and secondly, in our family we are friends with those who are better than us.
That is exactly what I did.
Our conversation with our son looked something like this.
“I don’t want to go to the pool anymore!” I can’t do anything! The coach praises only a friend and some others, but not me.
– So you want to give up? Give up swimming
“I heard you and I want to tell you something now.” You don’t seem to know that there is a rule in our family. In our family, it is not the child who decides whether to throw something to him or not. This is decided by adults.
“But nothing works out for me.”
– Yes, some children fail and never succeed. It happens. And it happens that children do not succeed at first, but then it turns out. An adult intelligent person sees whether the child will succeed in the future or not. My dad and I see what happens in your future in swimming – it will work out. Therefore, we do not allow you to give up swimming.
– What if it doesn’t work out? How do you know?
– And what do you think: dad and I are stupid or smart?
“So if we say what works out, can we trust us?”
– Well, fine.
– But the coach will praise Sasha again!
– Oh, I’m sorry, please, my dad and I forgot to tell you another rule. We in our family are friends with those who are in some ways better than us. It is necessary.
– Then I will always envy.
“You will not be envious, but proud of your friends.”
– I can’t be proud!
– That’s because you did not learn to be proud. I’ll teach you now. When your friend does something better than you, you smile at him like that, come up to him and say joyfully: “Great! Congratulations! You’re cool! Well done! ”
– (the son rehearses intonation and words, we say it all several times – the son laughs)
– (to summarize): So, the parents decide whether to quit or not quit. We are friends – with strong, interesting guys. If you have a friend who is worse off than you, be sure to tell my dad and me. We will think what to do, because this is not the case.
– Yes! I will say it! (and he himself shines, pleased)
In the pool from that conversation – skipping. Two weeks later, the coach praised our son. With Sasha, it’s still not water. To be honest, a couple of times for verification purposes I asked, as if by chance, the question “But you have a new friend. He knows something like that, which you don’t know yet? ” The son reacted calmly, thoughtful. Then he said that this boy draws animals very well. Previously, even a hint on the topic “someone is better” caused a storm of emotions. Now it has become very easy to communicate with my son. Also, now there is confidence that he will choose his most worthy friends! Nikolai Ivanovich, thank you very much from our whole family.